Dear Cats,

In an effort to better manage the peaceful nature of our residence, I have prepared a list of counterproductive behaviors that I have observed you participating in.  Please take a moment to review and memorize the following items of concern.  (Please note that the dogs list of counterproductive behavior will be posted soon).  Thank you in advance.

Hiding: If I am attempting to give you your annual vaccinations, it is counterproductive to hide from me. Resistance is futile. Eventually, you will have to eat. And even if you can go without food, you must sleep. Sooner or later, you will receive your vaccines. When you hide, my life becomes more difficult, which ultimately makes your life more difficult. Hiding is counterproductive. Hiding Toys: Forgetting where you hid your toy mouse is counterproductive. Doing this will not result in my purchasing more toy mice, it will only result in a lost mouse, as well as a  very good chance that another cat may locate it. If you plan to hide something, it is best to record the location where you put it.

Sulking: Sulking is counterproductive behavior.

Attention-Getting Behavior: Attention stealing behavior is unproductive. This includes any and all of the following:

• Climbing onto my open book as I read.
• Lying down on the cards when we play card games (especially if your dad’s friends are over playing poker – it is emasculating to your father when it becomes evident to his friends that his life is controlled by cats).
• Walking back and forth on the canopy of the bed as we try to sleep.
• Climbing onto the paper that I am trying to fold into a paper frog.
• Walking across the keyboard of the computer as I attempt to write the great American novel. (Remember that it is in your best interest to let me work if you want to continue to eat).
• Running through the house, chasing one another as you alternately slam into the hall door because tile is difficult to stop on. (If you lower your speed, you will be able to stop).
• Sleeping in the sink or shower. (Chances are excellent that you will get wet).
• Weaving between my feet as we walk down the hall. (Chances are good that you will be stepped on).
• Teasing the Coyote. Do no grab the coyotes tail as he walks under the table. Do not "rub" against the coyote as he is sleeping. The coyote does not want to be your friend. He doesn’t even particularly like you, and the only reason he doesn’t automatically consume you is because doing so is on his own list of counterproductive behaviors.

Eating Dog Food: Eating the dog’s food is counterproductive behavior. The dog is a coyote, and does not appreciate cats in the first place, let alone one that eats its food. Eating the coyote’s dog food may result in the loss of a head, contributing to a "no need to eat" syndrome. Generally in the wild, coyotes will eat cats – please remember this when you attempt to eat the dog food that he doesn't particularly enjoy anyway..

Notes on Communication: Unacceptable Means of Communication include a number of various things, but the following are very important to not to do when you feel "sad" or "angry".

• Biting: Do not bite the hand that grooms you – this is especially important for the long haired species.
• Hissing: Do not hiss at me – it scares me when you do that, because you look like a vampire.
• Growling: Growling is for dogs.
• Attacking: Why would you attack me for no reason other than you are having a bad day?
• Scratching: Claws can be removed. Although I’m a strong advocate against declawing, I would still consider it under extreme conditions…
• Spitting: Spitting is for camels, try to remember that you were once considered sacred in the deserts of Egypt.
• Spraying: Again, I refer you to your history in Egypt.  This is unbecoming behavior for a number of reasons, try to maintain a little self-control.

Thank you for your cooperation. Please read and memorize this list of counterproductive behaviors and bear in mind that they are placed on this litter box for your own safety.

With love,

"The Human"