"How
To Pill A Cat"
By
Unknown
- Pick up cat and
cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill
from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat gently in left
arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from
bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill
from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
- Retrieve pill
from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in
from garden.
- Kneel on floor
with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from
curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make note to
buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing
later.
- Wrap cat in large
towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.
- Check label to
make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from
neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and
close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver
from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Ring fire
department to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie cat's front
paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of
dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.
- Get spouse to
drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home and order new dining table.
- Arrange for ASPCA
to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.
How
To Pill a Dog
- Wrap it in bacon.
Other
Stories: Teaching
A Coyote to Fetch,
Once Upon A Midnight Dreary,
Feral Cat Day, Computer
Guide for Cat Lovers, Just
Wait 'Till You Have Children of Your Own, Diary
of A Cog, How
To Pill A Cat, Herding
Cats, Sleeping With
the Enemy, A
Fish Tale, Do
Animals Have Souls, The
Problem With Kittens, Counterproductive
Behavior in Dogs, Counterproductive
Behavior in Cats, Cody
is My Sister's Dog, Diary
of A Cog, Free Kittuns, Pet
Theft, On With The Show, Making
Noodles with A Kitten
| 
