"How
To Pill A Cat"
Author
Unknown
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1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
gently in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for
count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep up shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set on
one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking
straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with plastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.
12. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of
fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home and order new dining table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters.
How
To Pill a Dog
1.
Wrap it in bacon.
Other
Stories: Herding
Cats, Sleeping With the Enemy,A Fish Tale,
Do
Animals Have Souls, The Problem With
Kittens, Counterproductive Behavior in Dogs,
Counterproductive Behavior
in Cats
About the
Author
Stacy Mantle is a freelance writer who
currently resides in the southwestern deserts of Arizona with
a number of cats, a coyote/wolf hybrid, and a very
understanding husband. Her writing has appeared in
publications such as The Arabian Horse Times, Today’s AZ
Woman, and Pets Illustrated. Many of her stories
and articles have been translated into several languages, and
now reach an international audience. Quickly becoming known as
"…the Erma Bombeck of animals", her writing has
skyrocketed to new heights as she records the stories of those
she loves, inspiring the reader to learn why we have all come
to love the animals we share our lives with. She is the author
of Conquering the Food Chain: Living Amongst Animals
(Without Becoming One), which is available in
Barnes & Noble bookstores nationwide, as well as online at
www.bn.com or www.amazon.com.
