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The
Dam
This is an actual letter sent to a man
named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is
hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the
response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File
No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear
Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of
the Department of Environmental Quality that there has
been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of
two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior
to the start of this type of activity.
A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have
been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined
that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113
of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been
informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during
a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing
all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January
31, 2006.
Please
notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
staff.
Failure to comply with this
request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action..
We anticipate and would
appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you
have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and
Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response
sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear
Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated
12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am
the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget
Lane, Trout Run,
Pennsylvania
A couple of beavers are in the
(State unauthorized) process of constructing and
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for,
authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they
would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natures building materials "debris." I would like to
challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can
safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their
dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work
ethic.
As
to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that
they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start
of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you
is:
(1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating
against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of
Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps
we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part
301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I
have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said
representation -- so the State will have to provide them with
a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either
one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event,
causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural
occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream
"restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them,
they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter,
they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the
Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more dam
rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should
protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I
are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then
and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass
them then.
In conclusion, I would like to
bring to your attention to a real environmental quality,
health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are
actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe
you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the beavers alone.
If
you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with
your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your
dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM
BEAVERS
|
| The
LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they
are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides
to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and
each of them has to catch it.
First
the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.
Next
the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Finally
the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear.
The
bear is yelling:
"Okay!
Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Animal Jokes @ Joke Email -- The LAPD, FBI, and CIA -- animal joke archive, plus e-mail jokes to your email box. |
