"The Computer Guide for Cat Owners"    By Stacy Mantle "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." --Bruce Graham ... 1.  "No operating system detected” (on a Macintosh, you will receive a "bomb" icon) Cause: Kitty jumping to shelf where laptop is stored, and pushing it onto tile floor so that they may have complete control of desk to clean themselves. Remedy: Buy a laptop and keep in case in locked room at all times. 2.  "Fatal Error" displays on screen Cause: Misdirected hairball landing in air vents of computer. Remedy: Turn off computer. Completely tear down computer, discarding of hairball. Keep door to office closed.   3.  "Lack of memory" displays on screen Cause: Cat pounding on keyboard as if it were a small kitty piano while computer is turned on. Why does kitty do this? Because every time you hit the return key, it makes a neat chime sound. Unfortunately, our cats are worse typists than we are (which is why cats will never rule the earth). Remedy: Remove cat from keyboard. Keep computer room door closed while operating. Disconnect sound card. Keep door to office closed.   Common Computer Problems Problem: Screen shows no picture Cause: Cat has turned off the computer monitor because the “wolf screen-saver” you installed last week "makes her nervous." Remedy: Turn on monitor; replace wolf screen-saver with a picture of the mountains. (Do not replace with another kitty or a mouse (See non-operating keyboard above). Keep door to office closed.   Problem: Computer is running very hot Cause: Cat hair has fallen into and around the computer due to the cat lying on top of CPU to clean himself. Remedy: Remove cat from monitor. Turn off computer and spray out excess hair from the internal components.  Keep door to office closed.   Problem: Computer will not turn on. Cause: Cat has disconnected cables from power outlets due to the obvious human conflict of interest. Remedy: Reconnect computer cable to outlet. Play with the cat more than you play with the computer. Keep door to office closed.   Problem: Non-operating keyboard Cause: Cat sprayed the screen-saver cat because he assessed the monitor to be an uninvited visitor. Remedy: Throw keyboard away. Buy another one and keep the office door closed. Read Last Weeks's story:  Just Wait 'Till You Have Children Of Your Own! Other Stories:  Diary of A Cog, How To Pill A Cat, Herding Cats, Sleeping With the Enemy, A Fish Tale, Do Animals Have Souls, The Problem With Kittens, Counterproductive Behavior in Dogs, Counterproductive Behavior in Cats, Cody is My Sister's Dog, Diary of A Cog     About the Author Stacy Mantle is a freelance writer who currently resides in the southwestern deserts of Arizona with a number of cats, a coyote/wolf hybrid, and a very understanding husband. Her writing has appeared in publications such as The Arabian Horse Times, Today’s AZ Woman, and Pets Illustrated. Many of her stories and articles have been translated into several languages, and now reach an international audience. Quickly becoming known as "…the Erma Bombeck of animals", her writing has skyrocketed to new heights as she records the stories of those she loves, inspiring the reader to learn why we have all come to love the animals we share our lives with. She is the author of Conquering the Food Chain: Living Amongst Animals (Without Becoming One), which is available in Barnes & Noble bookstores nationwide, as well as online at www.bn.com or www.amazon.com.